Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

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I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.


ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.


Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof

Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad

Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching

Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi


ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.

GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.


PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!


[Inn fight]

Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering

Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear


ME: you look great tonight

DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime

ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here


Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6

*Manager arrives*

Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-


Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.


remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s


It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.