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*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*

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Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”


I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”


*Plops a scoop of mashed potatoes into your child’s candy bag without breaking eye contact with you.*


Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)


My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”


This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.


My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.


I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.


My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.