I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
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ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Drunk guy: you call those sunflowers?!? ‘Tis a pitiful rendering
Van Gogh: *turns to innkeeper* hold my ear
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
Me (to stock boy): Tell the manager there’s a mess in Aisle 6
Me: I really appreciate this, I’ve just been really lonel-
Apple just announced a 20-year plan to develop technology that actually allows grid-like manual organization of Home screen app icons.
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.