Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name

My bf just had me “stay alive” in his game while he went to the bathroom and I died immediately

Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.

I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.

BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

Breaking news:

Me: what will you trade me for my Soul

Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA

Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.

Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.

angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight

God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?

angel: we also invented tequila

Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead

Box: *violently shakes and hisses*

Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox

Box: *screeches threateningly*

Guy inventing dressage: *so drunk* hey do you think we could get a horse to dance, via the ratatouille method

Friend: what the hell does that mean

Guy: we ratatouille the horse

Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!

Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?

[watching paint dry]

“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

under no circumstances will my brother take the L

Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!

Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?

*Trips over the cat*

I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.

Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”

{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.

Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.

Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.

Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.

I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.

If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.