Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The word Ohio looks like a tractor

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”

This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

me: [playing musical chairs]

wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?

[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

“Yogurt!”

Gurt: “Yes?”

The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.

calling in to work dehydrated

Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.

I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.

“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it

“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell

Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’

whoever named them missiles wasn’t very optimistic

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

At a wedding during the vows, the little flower girl yells out “When is this over?”

She gets it..

IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?

Me: They’re my dependencies.

IRS: It’s “dependents.”

Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.

Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.

What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.

[first day as a sports announcer]

*clears throat*

*taps mic twice*

Me: sprots