Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
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The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Good news
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
No one in this airport bathroom wants to make prolonged eye contact with me
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
if my boxing knowledge is correct, now would be an ideal time to do an elaborate heist at the bellagio casino with a charming gang of rogues
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
My beach vacation Google searches
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet