Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island

Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.

me and my fake scenarios

Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.

SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger

ME: Me too, that’s also my reason

In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.

Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”

Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body

My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.

She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.

No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….

My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect

Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.

I was standing in the train station when some guy came up and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.

Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.

Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.

I asked my students today if they had heard Maggie Smith passed away, completely forgetting I had a student named Maggie Smith, who happened to be absent

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

God: you’re a seabird.

Puffin: can I fly?

God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?

Puffin: oh good.

God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?

Puffin: I know right? lol.

Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.

girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said

Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.

If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.

The manager of this gym is looking at me like he’s never seen someone sit on weight bench to finish their hash-browns.

whenever god closes a door he opens a window because he’s taking a pretty nasty shit in there.