Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Traffic stop]

Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!

“So sorry” -Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” -Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” -Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” -Apologise to me

Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean

Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.

Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.

[going on a first date in the cool part of town]
HIM: did you have trouble finding the place?
ME: omg nooo i seriously come here all the time. this is my regular spot
SIRI: *from inside my bag, volume 10* YOU’VE ARRIVED

I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.

My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.

Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video

He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.

He was looking for a job and then he found a job

[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!

“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.

Her: Are you getting off early today?

Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

I love telling someone to be careful. Because then if they die, that’s on them

*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”

I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.

ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity

ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.

BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.

The Police have no lead.

If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.

Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?

I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.

[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter