Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean


I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.


“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*


“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.


I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.


Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.


instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club


“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.