@JermHimselfish

Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now

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@A_Guy_Called

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

@NinjaFuneral

I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I’m checking Twitter and not taking pictures.

@pradacid

“shake what ya momma gave ya!”

*starts shaking low self-esteem*

@protolalia

“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.

@NoogsCorner

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

@Tups13

Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

@stephenjmolloy

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.