Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

[getting cremated]

Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.

How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge

one time for the fourth of july my dad pushed a volkswagen van filled with pop rocks into a motel pool filled with rc cola & recreated the blast that killed the dinosaurs

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it

I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

Obvious red flags:

*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind

*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows

*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer

My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.

The Universe can have my atoms back.

I don’t want them anymore.

doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]

Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.

the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)

Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex

Me: Yeah

Gf: I’m having twins

Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies

[first date]

Her: I love big hearted people

Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy

How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.

Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”

an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.

I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.

My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.

How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is

The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.