Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
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I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I’m sorry I mistook your baby for a bag of cheetos. If it helps, it was very tasty.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I enjoy a good short stor
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Wife: I had a terrible night’s sleep. Tossed and turned. Couldn’t get comfortable. It’s only 6 AM and I’m in such a horrible mood already. How did you sleep?
Me [who slept 8 straight hours and didn’t get up once to pee]: Same.
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.