Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Danger is very dangerous

Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault

Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night

Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here

Eggs are just drums you can only play once

I just stopped by to water my horse.

The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever

You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

i’m not “wearing a costume” that would be childish and silly. i’m wearing a disguise

I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.

[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day

[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.

My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch

My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.

When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators

[Gets Pulled Over]

Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out

Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Me: digging up to the surface for a bit

Worm Wife: why

Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you

Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…

Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂

Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳

flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane

me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!

The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.

Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.