Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken

*eats tiny amount of kale*

I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”

Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking

I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.

So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?

Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.

You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.

Me: Don’t question my art.

I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?

Me: *holds up fingers* This many.

I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.

Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.

“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.

Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha

Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.

Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.

Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?

Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out

My kid put the toilet paper facing the wrong way so she’s homeless now.

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

I saw nothing

Man: Is there a doctor in the house?

Dr: I have a PHD in literature

Man: This man is having a heart attack!

Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…

A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?