Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
You Might Also Like
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
ME: *dying* are you…the Grim Reaper?
GRIM REAPER: WOW, WE LITERALLY JUST MET… PLEASE CALL ME GRIMOTHY. LET’S KEEP THIS PROFESSIONAL.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
[first day as waiter]
Customer: Do you ever have second thoughts?
Me: *sweating* I can ask the chef.
Roses are red
Novels have pages
Your boss’s profit
Is your unpaid wages
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
My new drivers license arrived and when I opened it, I gasped.
How’d they get a picture of my mother?
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges