Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
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My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
Owen Wilson being held upside down by his ankles: MOM
Don’t open any messages you get from me. I’m not hacked, I’m just really mean
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
this is uni
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!