*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Messaging my hair person to make an appointment for sometime in the week and finding out they are now based in the UK….
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
Imagine you are genuinely trying to recover from a major surgery and you just have your social media and PR team coming in with increasingly worse news
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.