@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

You Might Also Like

@OfficialBabyGal

Fun game: Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours.

@gobmentcheese

When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”

@JWilsonGA

Just saw my wife’s tampon string hanging out while she slept. Not sure, but I bet if I lit her fuse she’d explode bigger than any firework.

@girlnarly

[mcdonalds]

me: two marijuanas please

employee: this is the mcdonald’s drive thru

me: two McMarijuanas please

@OBiiieeee

girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts

@matt___nelson

I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012

@weirdralph

BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive

@bobvulfov

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

@Lord_Voldemort7

Taylor Swift’s ex-boyfriends should band together to create a compilation album entitled “Maybe it’s not us, it’s you…”