*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
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i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
do you mean bf like best friend or boyfriend or bread festival
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
My stalker twisted his ankle, so now I have to walk slower for 2-3 weeks.
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
oh sorry I meant to say I was in *an* arcade fire
Told a couple of jokes at a Zoom meeting. Turns out I’m not even remotely funny.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
Today Mother phoned asked me what I was doing . I said I was on Google maps and looking at her house .She asked if I could see her waving .
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Welcome to your 40’s. Now you get excited about finding your car in a parking lot.