Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

-watches two minutes of the news

-locks kids in their rooms forever

me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]

clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.

me: what’s halloween.

HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:

Dearly Beloved

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.

Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week

Not only do I turn down my radio to find a house or a parking spot, but I also take off my sunglasses to hear someone better.

please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,

My old roomate who is extremely offline found out that I had a Twitter with a few thousand followers and now just texts me when he thinks his thoughts are worthy of going viral

I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house

don’t we all

Cop: Can I see some ID?

Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]

Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge

Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in

My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*

I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.

“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”

There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode

Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?

I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him

You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.

The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.

Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.

my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard

He died doing what he loved: being alive

A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.

Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%