Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phone

Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?

Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!

Me: Oh good

Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast

*walks into a restaurant*

Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.

Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card

My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing

[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”

mary: you booked a room right
joseph (playing on wooden xbox): yeah totally

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!

During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?

[God creating burps]

Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?

Angel: yes sir

O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!

Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.

We take our lazy seriously around here.

FRIEND: and this is my pug
PUG: oink
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”

[spelling bee]

Judge: Your word is McConaughey

McConaughey.
M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey.
Did I get it?

Judge: We have no idea

Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

me: im not the jealous type

her: good i hate jealous guys

me: what guys. how many guys do u kno

me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.