Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
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I could never commit gun violence. The only things I know how to reload are my pill caddy and a Pez dispenser.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Carl: Perfect weather tonight.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Butterflies taste with their feet.
Me: Fair enough.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.