Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️

Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.

Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.

Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?

Me: I love you.

HER: you got some in my hair

ME: sorry

HER: and in my eye

ME: my bad

HER: are you sure you’ve painted before

asking santa clause for nudes

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

(First date)

Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …

Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!

*pulls up at the vet’s*

Dog: hey, wait a minute…

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”

What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”

ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do that

ALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did

The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.

So technically, I was on the news tonight.

me: thinking about getting into necrophilia

her: over my dead body

me: that’s the spirit

the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook

#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:

“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”

When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired

The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.

My work here is don’t.

Me: How was your first day of school?

5-year-old: Long.

Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.

5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?

Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*

*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin

Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.

Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.