Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday

Nosferatu

Nosfera2

Nosf3ratu

Nos4atu

Nosferatu 5: Assignment Miami Beach

I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

If my kids invented a drink.

KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside

If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.

Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations

For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.

At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.

[math class]

ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?

FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?

ME: Uhh-

FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.

ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.

*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?

angel: whatcha making?

god: *buffing a shark* dolphin

“$400 for movers? No, I can rent a truck and do it myself for $40”

– Me yesterday

I regret everything….

Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?

Dad: that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Dad

Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health

Me: Dad, there’s an emergency

Dad: use your “always special” cheat code

Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight

At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.

Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.

ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—

FAMILY: We have a JET?!

ME: I meant—

FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?

ME:

FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?

ME: Yes, that is definitely the case

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…

I’ve finally made it big in New York. My apartment has a walk-in kitchen! Now I just have to practice walking sideways

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.

He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”

Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.

Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828

scientist: don’t touch anything

me: [licked a petri dish already] got it

…20 minutes later

scientist: did you touch something

me: no

scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you

me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating

Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”