Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*looks at audience*
So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
me: [gets on one knee]
me: [reaches into pocket]
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED