*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
You Might Also Like
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Me: You say all the right things.
Her: I didn’t say anything.
Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Ugh what’s with all the free range organic baby food crap? My parents fed me Wonder bread and jelly and guess what, I miraculously grew into an adult. I mean, not a functioning one. But still.
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
man i love columbo