Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
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Counselor: Why do you resent your wife
Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix
M: Something about her water breaking
Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*
Both: EARTH SANDWICH!
what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him
It was awkward when she said, “And yet your feet are so big.”
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”