@SardonicTart

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

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@Playing_Dad

Me: What did you do today while I was at work?

Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.

Me: I think you’re lying.

Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?

@gruffybeard

Counselor: Why do you resent your wife

Me: She made me get out of line for Springsteen tix

C: Why

M: Something about her water breaking

@clairecdowns

Guy in USA:(phone) you ready?
Guy in Australia: (phone) hell yeah
Both:123
*each drop a piece of bread onto ground*
Both: EARTH SANDWICH!

@glutenfreematt

what does the girl i dated three years ago stand to gain by changing her netflix password

@o__0Dev

Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”

@SheaSerrano

i don’t care what anyone says Baby Groot is perfect and i would gladly trade any of my children for him

@wesjohnson8

It was awkward when she said, “And yet your feet are so big.”

@ThugRaccoons

[First date]

Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?

Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!

@TweetingDadGuy

When my daughter gets older, she will have a camera phone OR a mirror. Not both. Thanks for the advice Twitter.

@Ideal_Victoria

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”