@SardonicTart

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

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@Breadery

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

@BruceForce

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

@WittySassBasket

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

@karanbirtinna

*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*

So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?

@TweetPotato314

INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”

ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel

@PaperWash

me: [gets on one knee]

GF: [gasps]

me: [reaches into pocket]

GF: OMG

me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot

@Darlainky

Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.

Siri: Step over the dog.

@david8hughes

[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account

@thatdutchperson

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED