Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.

I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”

i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways

I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”

What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker

My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.

Dentist: Do you floss?

Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.

Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.

I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead

I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.

[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password

For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”

The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.

“Only God can judge me”

People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.

Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.

I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floor

Banks, What’s exactly your problem 😭

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY

Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.

wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you

Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.