Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better

Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.

[boarding a flight]

me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”

pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”

me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”

pilot (annoyed): “what?”

me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”

Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“

I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”

I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”

Can’t shop there again.

Librarian: can I check you out?

Me: sure [spins around]

Librarian: I meant your book

Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense

“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”

I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan

Women aren’t hard to read

For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out

You’re done bro

“OMG why am I so sore?”

*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*

“Oh right.”

How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?

I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.

Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies

Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.

sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊

For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman

Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.

Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

I make a lot of jokes about my husband and they’re all true, but sometimes I forget to mention how lucky he is with me as a wife.

Today I burned spinach.

*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*

WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!

I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv

IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours