*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
welp
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
wake up babe a new reaction meme just dropped
[me telling a joke]
guy wearing a “Make America Great Again” hat: I don’t understand.
ME: There’s probably a lot you don’t understand.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
this is the greatest thing ever
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin