*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Looking at the huge commercial success of the ‘Barbie’ movie means I’m already bracing myself for the inevitable ‘Mr. Clean’ movie starring Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
“comparison is the thief of joy” well sure if you’re a loser
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
The only person who listens to me in my house is my dog, and even he pees on the floor sometimes.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
I put half an avocado in a sealed container in the fridge and it’s still good a week later.
Guys, I may have cracked the avocode-o.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Stopped in a country store yesterday and they were not selling any countries. 0 out of 10. Would not recommend.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Me: This is the worst day of my life.
Her: Really?
Me: *pulls out a spreadsheet ranking every day of my life so far to prove it*
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.