Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
Everyone talks about how mean geese are and how aggressive geese are but it seems like we used to eat a lot of goose holiday dinners and now we don’t so
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Love is in the air fryer.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.