Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.

My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.

Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!

My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

My daughter keeps exclaiming, “What in tarnation?” when something surprises her. It’s cute but a little like living with a 3rd Grade Yosemite Sam.

my friends: “im not a hater but-”

me: “dont worry i am”

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes

me: they both taste exactly the same

morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?

me: OH MY GOD

All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.

You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.

We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison

Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no

People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.

Needless to say…*

*mic drop