Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
pesto is just an Italian word that means “produced by pounding” so in a way we are all pesto
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re always sleepy unless you’re trying to get to sleep
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!