Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Meow
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
Responding to any and all emails with ‘wow ok’
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Me: !!Ugh!! YOUR DAMN DOG IS STARING AT ME AGAIN!
Him: Just ignore him.
Me: I’m trying!
Him: I was talking to the dog…
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
(watching The Exorcist) She gets to miss so much school
Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.
If you love someone set them free? Girl, I can’t even get rid of the 257 plastic bags under my sink.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My husband just asked me “what are you eating now?” He’s officially declared war