Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
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My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Never ask a woman her age,
Never ask a man His salary
and Never ask
The British Museum how they got so many artifacts.
This week, we’re celebrating International No Wi-Fi Day! 📴✨
#WawawiwaComics
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
This seems like peak sibling energy
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
I loathe tweets like “Be somebody’s beautiful tragedy”. Might as well tweet using a random word generator.
“Be golf brisket honkytonk”
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Joseph Smith, 1833
