Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#have a #great #PancakeDay

There’s a teenage boy on the phone in front of the hospital and I think his mom just had twins because he’s pacing and going “No bro no, a brother and a sister, bro, no, no, bro, the doctor reached in there and PULLED OUT ANOTHER ONE.”

A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.

Friend: your parents must have had you young

Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger

If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩

He said: We can’t go away on vacation and leave your mug in the sink. The kitchen isn’t clean if there are dishes in the sink.
~ a few weeks later ~
I said: You can’t go off to work and leave your hair in the sink. The bathroom isn’t clean if there are whiskers in the sink.

I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up

I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.

me on ellen

ellen: so i heard you love the ocean

me: ya

(the studio starts flooding)

me: omg ellen you didn’t

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

Why do meteors always land in craters?

*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*

There is no “we” in pizza

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

[David Attenborough watching me trying to chase down an ice cream truck in my flip flops] Astounding

I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Overheard in a coffee shop: “A rat I follow on Instagram just had a stroke.” Struggling to process.

A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:

“That’s a bit of a blow”

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.

“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken

I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.

Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:

1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors

If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments: