Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London

I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.

*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”

AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat

BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn

me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.

my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.

Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice

[later]

Date: hi
Me: 69

Me handing out pamphlets in front of church: “Have you heard the good news?”

Passer-by: “Sorry. I’m Jewish”

*Me wondering why everyone keeps telling me their religion instead of taking my pamphlet detailing how I finally got laid last night: “That’s cool too, I guess.”

If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?

I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.

some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

No One:

No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?

The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.

Seductively sings in Klingon.

Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them

if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears

society: buy a sheet for your mattress

me: ok makes sense

society: then a sheet for that sheet

me:

society: then a blanket for that sheet

me: i think-

society: and a blanket for the blanket

me: you done?

society: oh and 30 pillows

Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.

Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.

The other night I ordered a series of drinks so bizarre that the bartender earnestly asked “what’s going on with you”

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]