Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.

Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.

It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.

Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.

I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear

THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?

ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

[at Super Bowl party]

Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK

Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow

Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON

I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.

i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

Invention of the hug:

“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.

Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.

I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”

Wear green for St Patty’s Day! You don’t wanna get punched!

-You mean pinched

[flashback to the 6 people I punched earlier]

It’s pinched?

“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”

-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands

“I’ve been coronated”

-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now

Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Interviewer: what did you bring to the table

Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-

Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk

Me: u mean my toad