Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
You Might Also Like
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
[cocktail party]
BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?
ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
What a chick magnet..
My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Creative Problem Solving
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
So we got a goldfish…
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!