Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[resorting to cannibalism]

My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!

Me: he would have wanted us to survive

Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.

They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body

My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…

I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.

Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit

I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.

I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff

*hides some stuff

It’s maybe 35%

I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.

Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.

I am crying

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.

[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]

[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise

If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.

This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.

It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”

My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.

Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.

Twitter is like a rocking chair.

It gives you something to do

and takes you nowhere

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.

He said “so what would be the difference?”

If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.