Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
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My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
Noted.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*
…*exhale*…
…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Happy Thanksgiving
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
