Googling “best laundry hampers 2024” like I’m trying to keep current with the technology
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If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
The great thing about playing the accordion is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
My daughter forgot her gym uniform at home. When I arrived at her school to drop it off, I realized I also forgot the uniform.
I see where she gets it from.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight