googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
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*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
you come to me? on a friday at 4pm
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
A huge thanks to the person that did this
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
This why you should mind your business
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
in other news congrats to my therapist for securing a 4 year contract with me
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.