googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
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Just think, if Aristotle would have been a cow, today we’d all be studying meadowphysics.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
drew a comic about my origin story
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me