googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
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I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
If you’re in an ambulance, you need to get yourself to a hospital right away.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
An epiphany I had earlier today: Most people know nothing about the past, so for them movies like Oppenheimer and Napoleon don’t have known endings
“So after the battle of Waterloo-”
“Shut up man, spoiler warning please”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
Sometimes I feel like I’m cheating on my recliner with my loveseat, in case you were wondering how emotionally invested I am in laziness.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
