[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
FITNESS COACH: Have u been reaching your target heart rate each morning
*Flashback to me replacing the snooze button with an airhorn* “yes”
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
“Whistle while you work”
~The boogers in my nose
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
