[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
I keep a pocket DVD player, loaded with The Neverending Story, paused on the scene where Artax drowns in the swamp of sadness. In case I overhear someone say “that’s the saddest thing ever!” and need to show them why they’re wrong
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
3yo: Wipe me!
Me: What did you do?
3: Only pee and poop.
Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
