Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*

I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.

The legends were true

6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?

Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!

6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!

🙁

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”

If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.

My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.

Me: …. What?

5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.

Me: …..

Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.

Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

My youngest kid’s description of the “bestest burger” is just bun.

Nothing but bun.
Not even a patty.
Just the bun.

Bread.
The kid likes bread.

I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.

I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.

Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.

Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.

BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.

BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.

God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m super chill

professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?

me: yeah man

professor x: what?

me: [nodding] yeah

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.

Lol

Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.