[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
You Might Also Like
you gotta separate the art from the artist. like, for example, sometimes the artist is really nice but their art sucks
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
God, creating dogs: make them smart
Angel: how smart
God: capable of saving lives but incapable of turning around if they walk around a tree with their leash on
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent