Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
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Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
me irl
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
Risking my life for fun.
If anyone asks, I’m drinking all this wine to collect corks for a pinterest project.
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
#TopTip
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”