Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
You Might Also Like
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Happy Friday
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
new record!
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Before you have kids, ask yourself: how patient am I with really stupid people?
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
I’m never leaving this app.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
The composer Erik Satie once spent a week in jail for sending insulting postcards to a journalist who gave him a bad review. One read ‘I shit on you with all my force’.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
When a cop tells you to get out of your car, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you. Now I know.