Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
The Internet wins again..👇👇🤣🤣🤣👏👏
When life hands you women, make women laid.
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
My heart hurts when you’re not around
*buuurrrrpp*
Never mind
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me