So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
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Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Don’t follow me… I once sat in a traffic jam for 5 minutes getting pissed off while everyone lined up behind me, but I realised they were parked cars
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
My coworker has inspirational quotes up in her cubicle and one of them says “choose your destiny” so I guess she plays Mortal Kombat too.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.