@rantingmd

googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

You Might Also Like

@kharizzmaaa

Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14

@Trigg3rHippie

Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.

@Reverend_Scott

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

@markydoodoo

I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”

@citizenkawala

Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.

@Tommytoughstuff

FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.

@ShakesREMIX

My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.

@dafloydsta

[at Starbucks]

ME: One large starbuck please.

BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-

ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.

@ThaJawn

To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…

@mickeza1

You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.

Are you raising an army for Mordor?