Happy Mother’s Day to the woman who told me “I could fall out at home” when I asked for Fall Out Boy tickets at age 14
googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen
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10 days ago: eating cat food.
Today: eating the cat.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
FBI AGENT: You’ll be put into witness protection
ME: Can I be someone that has friends?
FBI AGENT: No, it has to be believable.
My surname: ‘Ever.’ My given forename: ‘Superior’. Similar to a torn talofibular ligament, I am not one to be trifled with.
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
To whoever hacked all the Yahoo accounts, please email me my Myspace login info. It’s in there somewhere…
You have 90,000 followers, follow 92,000, and all you tweet are @s thanking people for following back.
Are you raising an army for Mordor?