Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I’d like to work from home

hr: request deni—

m: but it’s government advice

hr: it’s simply imposs—

m: and these are dangerous times

hr: but you’re a train driver?

why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials

So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?

Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.

[taking out wet laundry]

me: finally everything’s clean!

that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?

Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!

“Sir we don’t …”

Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?

*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”

Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.

me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth

History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.

Me: “Hey bud, do you want to pick out a new fish after school today?”

5yo: “Yeah. Are we going to order it on Amazon?”

Me: “No, we’ll go to the pet store.”

5yo: “Oh. Do THEY order it on Amazon?”

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts

My period: yeah what a mystery

Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.

They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

⛄️

Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.

My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”

It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.

Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.

I don’t think the person who said “if there were an infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters one would create the complete works of Shakespeare” had even a basic understanding of monkey behavior.

Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?

Me: cake…I’ll bring cake

I forgot who said it first but it is indeed crazy that Uhaul will rent you a 27 ft truck with no training whatsoever

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”