gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
You Might Also Like
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]
Kids: Dad, what IS this place?
Me: I have absolutely no idea
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Who comes up with this kinda stuff
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
Sometimes American Magic is the only way to go.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
“Can we use a library meeting room?”
“What for?”
“Just a meeting.”
“Not a party?”
“No. Why would you ask that?”
“Well, the sheet cake and sleeve of red plastic solo cups does raise some questions.”
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal