gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
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I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
lol
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
massage therapist asked how I felt about chiropractics and I told her the guy who invented it says he learned it from a ghost and that shut the conversation down pretty quick
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Just because I reported several women to HR for not washing their hands after using the rest room doesn’t mean the camera they found is mine
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
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In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
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Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.