me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
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What the hell is going on?
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Phonetics
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
adulthood is definitely the worst hood I have ever been to
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.