Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
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if i could choose one super power right now it would be the ability to delete my number from other people’s phones.
There is no better karate instructor than a spider web in your face.
*sends you a pic of a kitten*
*you reply, “Awe”*
*responds, “We’ve been over this already, it’s “Aww”*
*deletes your number*
OH MY GOD EDDIE MURPHY IS GOING TO DO STAND UP I’VE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT oh never mind they’re going to commercial. #SNL40
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
“Be careful when you follow the Masses.
Sometimes the ‘M’ is silent.”
How come “you’re a peach” is a complement but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.