so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
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i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
I wash my whites separately but what do I do with the shirt I was wearing while eating spaghetti.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
I’m a self-made hundredaire
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I’m offering a $1,000 reward to anyone who brings me $1,000 and two tacos.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.