Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?

Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.

For security reasons, I highly recommend that you leave one of your children home during the holidays to set elaborate booby traps in case of intruders.

One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.

Overheard:

“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”

Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

I just read that if you’re 200 pounds on Earth, you’re 76 pounds on Mars.

I’m not fat, I’m on the wrong planet.

Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.

[the day after I meet a genie]

boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today

me: *loudly* oh wow so weird

[first date]

HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.

ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this

That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?

You should be able to google why a couple broke up

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”

I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire

my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

oh. I see you’ve gained some weight.

-my mirror

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year

My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.

I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”