Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Me: *buying bug spray* Is this good for ants?
Clerk: No. It kills them.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Cats are still liquid.
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
The only thing limiting what you can put in a sandwich is your imagination and the laws of physics.
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
A guy in the parking lot saw me trip over my own feet so I yelled to him “I just quantum leaped into this body!”
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.