Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
You Might Also Like
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
genie: i can grant u any three wishes, anything u desire
me: ok i wish for a mcflurry
genie: ah sorry the machine isn’t working right now
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
somebody come look at this
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
one week till the election
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Me: I cant hear you, talk INTO the phone
My wife [yelling into the soup can and string phone attached to my pillow fort]: IM LEAVING YOU