Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

What do best men at weddings in France do?

Making French toasts!

#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫

I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts

Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.

LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.

DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.

Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch

REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:

So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.

Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.

Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…

landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard

My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.

That woman has no sense of humour.

If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.

Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad

Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven

I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

“Eat cheese and sin.”

This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!

wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote

I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭

New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to me

I have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell

The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

Oh sure so it’s okay for Jesus to raise people back from the dead, but when I, Victor Frankenstein,

You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also

We are not the sane

that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE