Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

love tennis but never really been clear why they need a lifeguard

I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.

Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by all

Me:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes

Me: the floor is lava

Pompeii: everything is lava

Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.

Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.

Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.

I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.

Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”

Me: “The kids did.”

H: “Are you sure?”

Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”

H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”

Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”

Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.

The Rules

A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.

Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

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*dolphin diving off a cliff*

[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”

If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…

Never, ever, play dead.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.

Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

I think my husband is beginning to suspect

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

First date

Him: tell me about yourself

Me in a singsong voice: ok but you’re not gonna like it

The Punning Dead.

Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent

we’ve been teaching the 2 yr old about cutlery and setting the table for supper and, well,

*picking up coins off the dance floor*

I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.