Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Emily Dickinson: hope is the thing with feathers
Taxidermist: you’re fired
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task
DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!
ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun
ANGEL: That doesn’t–
DEVIL: wtf, dude, no
ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.