Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
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Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
You know, if you murder enough people you get your own Wikipedia page.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I came this close!!!!
Only a mother’s love …
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I bring a box of bandaids with me to sprinkle about the pool to keep it from getting too crowded
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Dad law states that you can use your kids’ piggy bank money to pay the ice cream truck. Especially when your wife and kids aren’t home.
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it