Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.

About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.

One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao

“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters

When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time

My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.

I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.

spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic

Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday

If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.

Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.

Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?

Child: You’re old, it’s expected.

Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.

DO YOU MEAN YOUR FRIEND GROUP?????

Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

angel: whatcha making?

god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger

I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.

Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”

Nomnomnomnom

My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

Raisins are grape jerky.

*kicking in your front door*

I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID

My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!

Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive

Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?

SEGA:

Nintendo:

SEGA: well that would have made sense

Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”

I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.