Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
You Might Also Like
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
Me: welcome to my she shed
Gynecologist: please don’t call it that
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
Me: *screams*
9: Asleep
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
it’s finally my moment to shine
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…