Goose parade in The Netherlands.. π
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If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
WHY IS USHER ALWAYS SAYING HIS NAME IN HIS SONGS, IS HE A POKEMON?
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls canβt.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys canβt.
4: Want to trade?
I couldnβt take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so youβre entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I’m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
π€·π½ββοΈπ€¦π½ββοΈπ©
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: itβs not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew