Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When asked my name, I always hesitate because I still can’t decide between “David” and “Dave”. The delay makes me sound like an idiot who doesn’t know his own name. Which I suppose I am.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

me: psst, wanna see a dead body

nurse at my first surgery: no

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.

(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you

Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.

I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.

Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.

Teacher: tell me what you told her.

Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.

I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

[introductions at a party]

Me: this is my first wife

Her: and current wife

Me: and these are her kids

Her: they’re also his

Me: we keep it friendly

Her: on account of we’re still married

Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own

Her: because they are

“Wow, that’s great!”

~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.

Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.

me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,

I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Me: This is a picture of my aunt Marge… Rest in peace.
Friend: I’m so sorry for your loss.
Me: Oh, she’s not dead, she’s just really lazy.

#IWishIHadNever noticed

Him: I eat healthily

Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊

I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.

[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.

My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

I just smiled to everyone I invited over to watch football as I turned it off and started the puppet show.