Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.

[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons

have yall ever had vietnamese coffee like ofc they won that war

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.

Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.

Biden: Trump’s sons were nice

Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day

B: Uday and Qusay?

Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?

Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men

Wednesday

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.

A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.

Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.

“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday

ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.

HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?

Bored?
Looking for some action?

Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea

Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.

You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

[first date]

Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.

Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?

Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME

Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.