[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
You Might Also Like
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
[first time skydiving]
me: oh no my charcuterie board
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
We’ve all been there…
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.