Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side

Why do parents bust into your room like they are trying to see you cheating on them with another pair of parents or something 😭😂

A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.

How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?

want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever

Merry Christmas…in my pants

Happy New Year…in my pants

Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*

me: hey can i get some ground?

groundhog: you may not.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now

*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit

Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!

All excellent questions

me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*

[20 minutes later]

me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us

Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?

Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

I spend so much time and resources making stand up clips and then my gf was like do this TikTok trend and now it has more views than my last 14 videos combined

If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”

“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island

After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.

Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?

Dear hiring manager,

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow

If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.