Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’

My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.

11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?

Me: That depends. How old are you?

11: I’m eleven.

Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha

11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.

How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.

So I am at work and my wife calls. Tells me she grabbed my chocolate Oreos by mistake, which she hates. Separated one, saw her mistake, put it back together and back in the bag. So if I find one a little off centered not to worry about it.

This is my life.

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am

“They grow up so fast.”

– Me, looking at my problems.

My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian

Me: you can just buy them?

It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.

Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.

wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes

Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand

I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late

Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX

[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out

She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

[playing hide and seek]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS LOVE
[silence]
daughter: WHAT IS L-
me: [exploding out of closet] BABY DON’T HURT ME

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email

Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.

Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.

Instructor: Welcome to class.

A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.

So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.

I’m white, but…

Nope. Can’t do one of those today.

Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.

I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.