Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped

10:00pm

*gets a snack*

10:01pm

*turns on tv*

10:02pm

*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*

February

I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.

My 9yo wanted to be a doctor but now he wants to be an Australian breakdancer. Thanks, Olympics.

A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.

Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.

Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.

Friend: *finger guns*

Me: *looks down at finger knives* oh no

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

If you can’t tell the difference between “erotic” & “exotic” then zoo keeping is definitely not for you.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments

I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.

if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time

Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.

Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector

what’s really going on

A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]

him: [on deathbed] NURSE

My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.

So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.

Your move itches

when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud

the guy who named Newfoundland really didn’t try at all, did he?

My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.

I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck

The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.