GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
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Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
Award for the best actress goes to my 7YO for her performance as a starving deprived child right before bedtime
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
*opens door
*finds flower petals and candles leading to bedroom
*calls cops to report a break in
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If you’re having a bad day just remember, somewhere in the world someone’s telling their parents they’re a life coach
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay